Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Most Horrible Game Ever Played

During my blowout birthday cabin weekend (which I never posted a recap for, I think I was hungover for a week after that), we took it easy our last morning and lazed about in the upstairs living room. We spent a good part of our time playing What The F*ck: The Raunchy Version, courtesy of Metaltits, which is essentially a game made up of Would You Rather Wednesday questions. Once we made it through the booklet o' raunch, we wanted to find something else to play to pass the time. We rummaged through the games the rental company put in the house one last time to see if they had anything that wasn't too lame. They had a playboy game with no nudity (huh?), numerous puzzles, and the first version of Outburst from 1986.

We went with Outburst. Don't judge. Do y'all even remember Outburst?

It had cards like these:

And someone would be the reader and slip the card into one of these:

(we did the topic above and one of the answers was "The Truth"....yeah....)

Then the reader would read the topic aloud (that was a bit redundant) and everyone else would take turns guessing the 10 answers as the reader marked them off. To give you an idea of how antiquated this game was, one of the topics was: Buttons Found On A VCR. Of course we all missed calling out the cursed tracking button. Remember that shit?!

Anyways, there were two more memorable topics that come to mind from our foray into the genius of 80s game makers.

Topic One: Types Of Ethnic/Soul Food

Why, you wouldn't mean food that black people like to eat, right? We called out the ubiquitous answers any person would have guessed. Fried chicken. Collard greens. Corn bread. Pigs feet. Chitterlings (*shudder*). Ham hocks. Yams. Yes, all soul food (although technically it should be called southern food as it has been loved by all southerners, black and white, for centuries). But they had one answer we just couldn't get and would've never guessed.


Since when has watermelon been considered soul food? Why not just call the topic " Unfounded Racial Stereotypes"? Loving watermelon is not exclusive to African-Americans or their slave ancestors. Besides, this watered-down African-American mutt would take honeydew melon over watermelon any day. But as far as my relationship with fried chicken is concerned? I have only five words for you: FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!

Topic Two: Forms Of Birth Control

This should be a pretty easy topic right? They had all the obvious ones: the pill, condoms, IUD, the rhythm method, pulling out, diaphragm, abstinence (boring!), the sponge, and masturbation (hahaha, wouldn't really call that birth control, but whatever). We were stumped for a good 3 to 5 minutes as to what the last answer was. The reader told us we would never be able to guess what it was and boy was she right. The last answer?


What the what?! Not once in my hetero sex-life have I thought, "I'm going to become a lesbian so I won't get pregnant." And I've never heard a guy say, "Dude, my girl is ovulating, so it looks like I'm going to have to go gay this week." Homosexuality is not an elective option! You're either born that way or not! And while say a homosexual cannot become pregnant by putting a penis in a vagina* (I just heard a collective "ewwww" from the gays) one could still become pregnant through artificial insemination, in-vitro fertilization, or from sitting on a toilet seat.

1986 Outburst? You get a big ole FAIL.

*lacochran brought to my attention the need to clarify that statement (thank you!): a homosexual can certainly have sex with a member of the opposite sex to procreate, but a lot of them chose to donate or use a donor rather than go hetero.


tmamone said...

Ah yes, racism and homophobia--80s style!

peterdewolf said...

I don't think I've heard of Outburst.

Now I see why.

notsojenny said...

ahahaha! i almost just tooted i burst out laughing so hard at that last answer!
ah, the 80's

Deutlich said...

best game ever.

lacochran said...

Sad but I loved your funny take on it. :)

lacochran said...

Oh, and, I don't follow your logic on "while say a homosexual cannot become pregnant by putting a penis in a vagina"

Gay men have certainly impregnated women (gay or straight). Not saying they weren't thinking of men at the time but... it's possible.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

ah 1986, when most of us hadn't even heard of the internet yet.

TOPolk said...

No mention of spermicidal foam?


JoLee said...

Homosexuality? Seriously? Wow. Maybe it's because the Homosexuals are eating watermelon while pressing the tracking button on the VCR.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

HAHAHA the last one is hysterical.

Maxie said...

I don't care if it's ridiculous, i still love that game!

Thomas said...

I have never heard of this game. Wow!

Dmbosstone said...

Sounds like this game created quite the OUTBURST!

I'm here all week ladies and gentleman!

Larissa said...

Um, watermelon and homosexuality? Who came up with those?! At least it made for an amusing game.