Monday, October 7, 2013

I'm Back?

Currently chasing an errant ash around in an ashtray taking a year off of my life.  I'm not nearly where I thought I would be.  I should be living in Austin, TX with the man of my dreams.  I can't lie.  I thought I would be married by now and working on the life that's to be expected.  However, I've changed.  People have changed.  I'm alone and that's a-okay.

I don't feel sad for myself. I have people in my life that care about me no matter if I'm at my worst or at my best.  That's the trick.  Weeding out the people that don't care.   It seems hard and it hurts sometimes, but in the clarity that is life, you know what's best

I wish I had a joke in this rambling post.  I wish I had something clever to say, but I'm at a loss.  I will leave you all with Louis CK's "Everything is amazing and nobody is happy"

"Everything is amazing and nobody is happy" by Meowbay

Friday, October 16, 2009

Question And Answer Fridays

You know the drill. Answer the questions below if you are bored enough. Come on. You know you want to do it. You're doing anything productive at work right now anyways. That is if you even went to work today.

If you love college and/or professional football, would you go to a game in rain, sleet, snow, etc?

I'd go, but only because I already paid for my ticket. This weekend, I'm going to the UVA v. UMD game where its going to be 40 degrees and raining. So I'm just trying to psych myself up to be wet, cold, and full of pneumonia. Yay!

Do you drink at sporting events?

I have once and I will never do it again. Not like I got kicked out or anything like the woman in the video above. It's just that drinking and taking public transportation never really go that well together thanks to the complete lack of bathrooms on the DC metro. I usually have to pee 1-2 times for every beer I have, so it made for a very long metro ride. Also, it's like $7 a beer. You can get a six pack of decent beer for that price or a 12-pack for something completely shitty that'll give you the runs.

Do you have any odd interests?

Russian history. Seriously.

Has anyone been watching Survivor?

It made me remember how much I hate people and yet, I am totally hooked this season.

If you were to get a milkshake right now, what flavor would you get?

Vanilla all the way. Simple, classic, and delicious.

Have a good one being warm and cozy while I freeze my ass of in the rain y'all! (read: jealous of y'all's warm cozies)

Friday, October 9, 2009

Question And Answer Fridays

It's that time again. I ask the tough questions kids. You answer.

Does Paula Deen freak you out with all her sexual innuendos, groping, moaning over food, etc?

Yes. Seriously. I think that woman has whips and chains and a diamond studded vibrator in her bedroom.

How do you feel about Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize?

Frankly, I'm stunned. I think the man is great and all, but lets be honest about it, he hasn't really done much of anything besides talk. It's time for some action!

Have you ever had a moment of distress because you think you forgot to put on deodorant?

Too many times to count.

What's your same sex crush of the moment? (well same sex if you're straight and opposite sex if you're gay and whatever you like if you're I becoming PC girl? Don't answer that)

Mila Kunis. Bitch is seriously hot in the face. Fuck Megan Fox's dumb ass.

Do you have an intense fear of having to poop in a public bathroom?

Yes. It's so awful. But shit happens. Ha! Thanks folks. I'll be here all week. The worst poop emergency I had was in the Outer Banks a few years ago. I had a cocktail at a bar and sometimes the alcohol can really loosen things up if you know what I mean. So I attempt to go to the bathroom at the bar, but I couldn't. It was in the attic (what?!), with only two stalls, no air conditioning, and a line of drunk chicks. Talk about a fuck my life moment. I had to have my ex drive me all the way back to the rental house just to go to the bathroom, clinching my cheeks the whole way there.

Now you all can enjoy your weekend knowing about my pooping habits. Have a good one y'all!

P.S. Thanks for all the birthday wishes here. It really meant a lot to me my pretties!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Happy Birthday To Me!

I'm officially three years closer to 30 today (you do the math, I know its hard). This has been the most uneventful, blah birthday in awhile, kind of like turning 23 or 32 or 57. What do you do with that?

Well I'll tell you what I'm gonna do! Eat yummy food for free courtsey of the parents, drink a few bottle-sized glasses of my favorite wine at the bar of my favorite Italian restaurant courtesy of the big sis and bff, be fed some kind of horrifically named shot (like a Mexican clit) courtesy of Metaltits, risk some sort of sex-related sprain/injury with this three-years-closer-to-30 body courtesy of the gentleman, then fall asleep snuggled up in the gentleman's bed 10 minutes into a movie at 11:30 pm courtesy of old age.

Yup. Pretty uneventful, but you know what? That's the way I like it! I guess I'm becoming increasingly more boring and lame as the years go by and I am a-okay with that.

All haterz see the picture above.

Also see definition for "crotchety".

Friday, October 2, 2009

Question And Answer Fridays

You may or may not know the drill. I'm going to ask some probing questions, and if you feel the need to comment or answer, do so in the comment section!

What is your gaming system of choice?

I love Wii, but I don't have one! Otherwise, I'm partial to the XBOX. I hijack it everytime I'm at the gentleman's apartment.

Do you know anyone that's had a baby recently?

Because seriously, there is something in the water. And I prefer to be dehydrated. Or use a PUR filter. Or use PUR's cousin the Britta. It's so crazy to me how many people are having babies. But I guess it's that time. We 20 somethings aren't getting any younger and it seems like a lot of people are on the baby-path. I really don't have a problem with it. Babies are cute as long as I can give them back to their mothers.

Are you sad summer is over?

I know I am! The humidity sucks in Northern Virginia/DC/Maryland but there is something so great about summer. Vacations. Ice cream. Tanning. Barbeques. Crabs (and not the genital lice kind of crab). Fireworks. Parties. Concerts at Wolftrap. Airy sun dresses. Thunderstorms. Walks on the beach. The general it's-summer-and -i-don't-give-a-fuck vibe.

Summer is just all around fun!

Are you glad fall is here?

Hell yeah. It might not be as warm, but there are so many things that are great about the beginning of the autumnal equinox. No mosquito bites. Wearing sweaters. Boots! Great fall coats. No more oppressively hot days. Great outdoor workout weather. My birthday coming up. All the damn teenagers are back in school (I honestly don't remember being as obnoxious as teenagers are now a days). Fall is one of my favorite seasons.

While I'm sad to see summer go, I'm ready for the leaves to change.

Kentucky Grilled Chicken or Kentucky Fried Chicken?

I am partial to my brand of fried chicken as you might know. I LOVE the new Kentucky Grilled Chicken. It is seriously delicious and a wonderful healthy alternative. I swear I'm not being paid to say this.

What was your favorite song of the summer?

Mine would have to be Le Le's Breakfast. BITCH. It maybe an older song, but it was on heavy rotation summer 2009.

Have a good one y'all!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Some Updates

(the gentleman......voguing)

1. I'm alive!

2. I'm still unemployed. So if anybody's got some job openings, let me know! Yeah. I'm using this blog to further myself not only in creative ways (like creating curse words and telling vaguely interesting/disturbing stories) but also to further my career. Yeah. Probably not the best idea.

3. Still with the gentleman. He's mah boo.

4. The gentleman's dog had to be put down a couple of months ago. I miss her.

5. On a happier note, my niece is getting cuter as the days go by. Because of this, I'm worried my mom is going to kidnap her. She basically does not care if she sees me or my sister, its all about the BABY. Who knew my that my sister giving birth would create such a baby-hog.

6. Excluding the addition of my niece and the gentleman, 2009 has been the year of suck. I believe I jinxed myself. Why you may ask? I read an old email from October of 2008 stating: "Judging by how fabulous this birthday weekend was, 2009 is going to be the best year of my life!" Talk about foreshawdowing!

7. I'm trying to lose the bastardly 10 pounds I gained from not traipsing around an office for 8-10 hours a day. Also, I'm getting OLD.

8. I've got a family reunion thing to go to in October. Copious amounts of alcohol may be consumed during this "event". I will report back.

9. Surprisingly, people are still visiting my blog!

10. I miss you guys! I swear, I'm really going to get my ass in gear blogging wise.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Icons Lost.

Okay, so today I was going to write about how certain human behaviors bother me, but I. JUST. CAN'T.

I was definitely sad about Farrah Fawcett. We were all expecting it, but not so soon. Here's to a true angel (do you all realize she was only on Charlie's Angels for one year?). I loved her hair, I loved her poster, I loved her demeanor.

And then there's Michael Jackson.


I still don't feel like it's real. I grew up with him. Every one of his songs, be it from the Jackson Five to now, I rocked out to them all. I just always loved him and everything he did (musically, he could do no wrong in my book).

It wasn't Halloween until I heard Thriller.

Almost every Friday while I was working I would listen to Off the Wall ("So tonight, gotta leave that 9 to 5 up on the shelf, and just enjoy yourself.....Groove! Let the madness in the music get to you! Life aint so bad at all.." Hello?! how is that not an after-work anthem?! That shit was my JAM!).

Every summer I had to listen to Remember the Time ("What about us, GIRL?!").

Almost every night I was about to go out on the town I listened to P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing)

The first time I got drunk I sang to I'll Be There (and then about an hour later I was puking up Bahamian coconut rum and apples and drunk dialing Metaltits...don't ask).

There are just so many memories I have wrapped around his music and you never realize it until something tragic like this happens.

The way he died was just so sudden and jarring. For many, it feels like it was just bad dream. We were all supposed to watch him grow old. All of us.

I am truly heartbroken.

Thursday, June 18, 2009



I'm back after another hiatus.

I led you all on with my whole "I'm back!" bullshit.

I'm pretty good at leading people on.


Am I gainfully employed?


Am I on drugs?


Do I miss you all?


So I've been shooting the shit....getting call backs from people for fake interviews (i.e. they call/email you and never call/email you back.....I'm guessing I should've sent naked pictures....or conservative-mommy-edited this blog). To keep me busy, I've been cooking up a storm of food for loved ones, watching entirely too much Tyra (because I like to torture myself....keeps me young), cleaning random shit (dusting everything in my house, because, why not?), and just hanging out with my close friends (except you). In general, I've just been being myself, UNEMPLOYED and all.

Yes, I'm still that dirty, DIRTY description. Yeah, description, because if I could be paid for searching for jobs, I'd be a young-ish millionaire (pretty-please?!).

What theeeee HELL have you all been up to? Tell me here by comments, because I'm so scared to touch my "GReader".

(By the way, the kids are out of school in my county today. I plan of shaking my fist at them.....vigorously. I should be paid for that's a workout.)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I'm Too Lazy..... blog.

Or write.

Or type.

Or think.

Or feel.


It's goddamned tiring sometimes. I've thought of about a thousand blog topics and forgot billions more and right about now I'm thinking about turning my blog into a full on Question and Answer Fridays. All posts. Every post. It's more fun to ask questions, but don't want to deprive you all of premium content. And also, I guess that would make me a low-rent, dirty, herpes infested, hooker version of Dan Mega.

And no one likes that.

Well, maybe if they're taking Valtrex....

But still.

She could be making bread if you know what I mean.

Like bagels.

Or biscuits.

Or loaves.

Or really yummy freanch baguettes.

Or focaccia. (sounds dirty, that's why I love that bread)

I have a lot of things to do now that I'm not working.....besides looking for jobs.

Like help my sister and BIL pack up and move.

And hang out with the BFFs.

And spend time with the gentleman.

And judge people.

And pick my butt.

And subject my readers (all four of them) to the GREATEST. SONG. EVER.

Trust me. (I've talked about it here before)

DIO - Rainbow In The Dark

I hope it's stuck in your head for the rest of the day/week/month.

You're welcome.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Question And Answer Fridays Y'all

It's that time again. Time for you all not to answer any of my questions. I go away for awhile and this is the welcome I get? No, that's alright. I see how it is. Okay, I think I need to adjust the meds (read: more vodka, less extras in that next cocktail). So you know how it goes. I want to know what you feel, think, should you feel moved to do so, answer the questions below in my comment section, or you can just comment in general. Whatever's easiest for you. No, I'm not needy at all.

Now tell me I'm pretty.

Do you use GPS?

No, but I have been around several people that do. Metaltits is obsessed with it, using it even for places he knows how to get to. My sister has a Magellan and it has saved us many a times driving around DC and the dreaded traffic circles. The one thing that's off about it is giving the direction "Take a diagonal left turn". What the fuck? I understand a slight left/right turn, but diagonal? It just don't make no sense.

When it comes to fried chicken, are you partial to any brand/restaurant?

I do love that chicken from Popeyes, but my favorite fried chicken hands down has to be from Michie Tavern. It's colonial style and it is mind blowing. After reading about fried chicken yesterday, I called my sister to let her know we're going to Charlottesville, VA just so we can get some of that crackalicious chicken. We decided on mid-May and I'm hella excited (we're also going to get our history on and visit Monticello....I'm a sucker for touring historical sites). Seriously, if you happen to be visiting that area, make the stop.

What's your favorite drink?

There are so many to love! I have to say a classic mojito hits the spot during the summer. I also love dirty vodka martinis. But in general, I tend not to discriminate when it comes to booze.

Are you afraid of mice?

Not really. I think they're cute! Unless it somehow manages to poop in my mouth. Then I'll definitely run away the vomit.

I had an unfortunate incident of my dad trapping a a cute little field mouse (they have giant ears, awwwww!) with one of those "humane" sticky traps. You're supposed to be able to pull them right off. My dad had placed traps in various places and I was first greeted by a trap on the front porch with a very tiny bird stuck to it by both wings. Uggggggh. Then I walked in the house and I heard a scratching sound coming from where my dad placed a trap by the sliding glass door. Well low and behold, there was a poor little field mouse stuck to it...eyeball first. Ugggggggh to the tenth degree. So my dad just threw both of the poor animals in the trash can because he would have injured them by pulling them off. It was awful and he never used traps again. So anything with fur is cute to me. Including mice. And just an FYI, we live in a very woodsy area with a very high wildlife population (owls hang out on the deck at night, hawks dine there during the day, deer are in the back yard, chipmunks hide in the bushes, rabbits and birds make nests under the deck, snakes and other reptiles cool themselves under our stone steps, etc). Couple that with a 20 year old house, any animal that's determined enough can get in, especially during the winter. So in the end, after tons of searching and trial and error, my dad found the access point (underneath the stove!)and plugged it up with steel wool.

Have a good one y'all!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Most Horrible Game Ever Played

During my blowout birthday cabin weekend (which I never posted a recap for, I think I was hungover for a week after that), we took it easy our last morning and lazed about in the upstairs living room. We spent a good part of our time playing What The F*ck: The Raunchy Version, courtesy of Metaltits, which is essentially a game made up of Would You Rather Wednesday questions. Once we made it through the booklet o' raunch, we wanted to find something else to play to pass the time. We rummaged through the games the rental company put in the house one last time to see if they had anything that wasn't too lame. They had a playboy game with no nudity (huh?), numerous puzzles, and the first version of Outburst from 1986.

We went with Outburst. Don't judge. Do y'all even remember Outburst?

It had cards like these:

And someone would be the reader and slip the card into one of these:

(we did the topic above and one of the answers was "The Truth"....yeah....)

Then the reader would read the topic aloud (that was a bit redundant) and everyone else would take turns guessing the 10 answers as the reader marked them off. To give you an idea of how antiquated this game was, one of the topics was: Buttons Found On A VCR. Of course we all missed calling out the cursed tracking button. Remember that shit?!

Anyways, there were two more memorable topics that come to mind from our foray into the genius of 80s game makers.

Topic One: Types Of Ethnic/Soul Food

Why, you wouldn't mean food that black people like to eat, right? We called out the ubiquitous answers any person would have guessed. Fried chicken. Collard greens. Corn bread. Pigs feet. Chitterlings (*shudder*). Ham hocks. Yams. Yes, all soul food (although technically it should be called southern food as it has been loved by all southerners, black and white, for centuries). But they had one answer we just couldn't get and would've never guessed.


Since when has watermelon been considered soul food? Why not just call the topic " Unfounded Racial Stereotypes"? Loving watermelon is not exclusive to African-Americans or their slave ancestors. Besides, this watered-down African-American mutt would take honeydew melon over watermelon any day. But as far as my relationship with fried chicken is concerned? I have only five words for you: FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!

Topic Two: Forms Of Birth Control

This should be a pretty easy topic right? They had all the obvious ones: the pill, condoms, IUD, the rhythm method, pulling out, diaphragm, abstinence (boring!), the sponge, and masturbation (hahaha, wouldn't really call that birth control, but whatever). We were stumped for a good 3 to 5 minutes as to what the last answer was. The reader told us we would never be able to guess what it was and boy was she right. The last answer?


What the what?! Not once in my hetero sex-life have I thought, "I'm going to become a lesbian so I won't get pregnant." And I've never heard a guy say, "Dude, my girl is ovulating, so it looks like I'm going to have to go gay this week." Homosexuality is not an elective option! You're either born that way or not! And while say a homosexual cannot become pregnant by putting a penis in a vagina* (I just heard a collective "ewwww" from the gays) one could still become pregnant through artificial insemination, in-vitro fertilization, or from sitting on a toilet seat.

1986 Outburst? You get a big ole FAIL.

*lacochran brought to my attention the need to clarify that statement (thank you!): a homosexual can certainly have sex with a member of the opposite sex to procreate, but a lot of them chose to donate or use a donor rather than go hetero.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Highlights From Easter Weekend Craziness

Barf Kitteh
Friday and Saturday afternoon was pretty tame spending my time with the gentleman, his animals, and his roommates. Well, except for that part where I helped him clean up the cat's puke. And now I lovingly call Burt the cat Barf Kitteh or sometimes Sir Burtrum Von Barfsalot. I hope he learned his lesson not to eat random things off the carpet/balcony/floor, but some how I doubt that.

Losing My DC Connection
We moseued on into the city to watch the spectacular fireworks that closed the Cherry Blossom Festival from my sister's and BIL balcony. It made me all sad and depressed that they're moving because seriously, their apartment was PERFECT. If we could afford it, the gentleman and I totally would've taken it off their hands.

You People Are Sick
The following conversation transpired after viewing the fireworks:

Me: So daddy had my tuna....

Sister, BIL, and gentleman all look at each other and laugh.

Sister: What did you say?! You might want to rephrase that.

Me: You all are sick. Daddy was trying to recreate my tuna fish salad recipe...

Sister: That sounds better.

Me: Well, he put too much cayenne pepper in it...I don't know if I should even finish the story because what just happened was way funnier than the story.

Sister: Yeah we kind of moved away from the poop stories we were telling, but just go ahead.

Me: So anyways, [gentleman] you know what my tuna taste like right?

Everyone is in hysterics.

Gentleman (laughing): No comment.

Me: I mean I made it for you before! Gah!!! I'm just going to stop talking.

Would Have Rather Wrestled Gators
I had to wake up at 5:30 am on Sunday to get ready for church. Trust me, the last thing you want to do that early in the morning is wrestle with some Spanx. I was hating life at that point.

Zombie Jesus?
Church was just as uncomfortable as I expected it to be. I'm not an atheist, but I'm not religious and I have a serious problem with organized religion. Perfect example? When we were doing the morning greeting we were TOLD to greet everyone with "He has risen" and the other person was to respond "He has risen indeed". Oh hell no I aint saying that shit and even my sister (who is religious) felt uncomfortable saying it. Not only that, we got strange looks when we said "Good Morning" instead. Uggggh. A person shouldn't feel forced and uncomfortable, they should feel welcomed and relaxed, its just common courtesy people! Even though I only go to church like three times out of the year, it gets more and more difficult each time I go. SO, in an effort to make myself more comfortable, I thought about sex. I figured it was okay especially after the chaplain was talking about zombies, and death, and decomposing bodies for almost 30 minutes on a day that's supposedly supposed to be a celebration. But whatever.

Healthiest Fast Food
McDonald's Fruit and Walnut Salad? Surprisingly delicious!

Easter Dinner Awesomeness
Sadly, I don't have any pictures of the feast, but Easter dinner was fantastic. There was spinach salad with strawberries, almonds, and homemade dressing. For the main meal we had honey baked ham (I tried to get all the crunchiest pieces), Cornish game hens cover in garlic butter and tarragon, roasted asparagus, macaroni and cheese, and sweet german wheat dinner rolls with real butter.

Easter Dessert? Fail.
We were so excited for the apple pie my mom got from the bakery. My mom cut the first slice and noticed something green under the crust. Thinking it was spinach or some veggie that strangely managed to get itself into the pie, she lifted the crust off to investigate further. To our horror, it was growing a plethora of mold on the pie filling. After a good 10 minutes of telling my mom to take the pie back, my dad asked what the sell by date was. SELL BY APRIL 7, 2009.

Golf = Boring
After filling our guts, my dad insisted on watching golf after dinner. He always argues that golf is not boring, and yet he fell asleep several time while "watching" Tiger Woods suck, thus proving our point.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Question And Answer Fridays

I think you all should know how this works by now, although some of you might be delirious from fasting for a certain religious holiday, so I'll repeat myself again. Should you feel moved by jesus or hunger or because its b'shert, answer the questions below in the comment section so I'll have someone to talk about over the weekend.

Are you celebrating any religious holiday (against your will or willfully) currently or over the weekend?

Yes. I am only obligated to drag my tired hungover ass out of bed to attend church services (read: sit in a pew and think about sex) on Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day. I'm hoping to get a delicious brunch for free out of appreciation of my effort. Thankfully, its on a military base, so the service is only allowed to be one hour long. I'm not sure what happens if you go over, but I imagine that the MPs will walk in with guns drawn so the Catholics waiting to get inside can throw communion wafers (yum!) at the Protestants who took too long preaching their unholy message. Boy, that would be exciting!

How do you feel about Peeps?

You know, those marshmallow birds covered in tooth rotting sugar? I couldn't get enough of those when I was younger, those and Cadbury eggs. I guess that explains my two fillings.

Are you a fan of Nikes? If not, what your brand are you partial to for working out?

I am a complete Nike convert when it comes to sneakers to run/workout in. I used to have Adiddas that got worn out within a couple of weeks, and some old New Balance from high school that I bought to be cool (umm, gym wasn't for working out then!) which I started wearing again and they bruised my big toenails. I thought for a second I had some flesh eating bacteria from getting a pedicure or cancer. But, upon my research (the internet makes everyone a genius), I realized I just had some ill-fitting sneakers that were making my toes all black and blue. So I got some Nike Shox and I am in love. I want to wear them all the time, even to bed, that's how damn comfy they are.


So have a good one y'all! I'm going to be taking it easy this weekend and watching the fireworks at the cherry blossoms Saturday night, and dragging my ass to church at 8:00 am on Sunday. Yay. Accept not.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Conversations With My Sister

Considering the nations current economic situation, this brief conversation my sister and I had a month or so ago was quite appropriate. My sister was nearing the end of her second trimester, and this is usually the time when you realize you need to get your ass in gear so that you aren't left trying to figure out a way to add on an additional room to your apartment made entirely of cardboard.

Sister: So I was talking to mommy about child care and all that. I just never realized how expensive it was, but it is such a necessary evil for working mothers.

Me: Yeah I know. I remember talking to co-workers about it. It's hella expensive.

Sister: So I'm thinking I could save a little bit of money by doing in-home care.

Me: Yeah, thats what mommy did and we didn't end up abused and always came back with our limbs attached. You just gotta do your research.

Sister: That's true. And then I'm just thinking about paying for a new place. Clothing. Food. Hopefully I can don't have any problems breastfeeding and won't have to contemplate stealing formula.....ugggh! its just all these things that cost money that I have to take care of fairly soon....

Me: I know, but don't freak yourself out about it. It is what it is, you're just going to have to do it.

Sister (sighing): Can't I just put the baby on lay-away?

Me: Wouldn't that be convenient though?!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Question And Answer Fridays Ya'll!

Entertain me. Answer my questions in the comments section people. I want to know more about ya'll so should we meet in the future, I can make our encounter as awkward as possible based on your answers (here's a refresher on how this works).

Have you ever had a filet-o-fish from McDonalds? If so, what did you think?

Okay, so sue me. I gave into the advertising and had my first filet-o-fish. Logic should tell a person that cheap wine and seafood from a fast food restaurant probably isn't the best combination, but I was feeling adventurous (i.e., my judgement was impaired). The verdict? It was okay. It was satisfying because I was no longer hungry, it's one of the lower calorie sandwiches on the menu, and I didn't cry myself to sleep after eating it.

Do you believe in psychics, tarot, etc?

I'm kind of on the fence about this one. There's a lot of cons out there. I mean, when is a psychic going to tell me the truth about my life? I know I'm meant to be a trillionaire with the worlds first miniature whale. Damn, why can't you people let me be great?!

Do you or have you ever heated up an seafood item in the microwave?

If you have, there is a special place in hell for you.

Do you play video games? What is your skill level?

Skill? Bawhahahahaaaa! I only really played the first Nintendo and I even suck at that. When it comes to playing the video games of today, I feel like an drunk 85 year-old woman who grew up watching some of the first "talkies". It's like sensory overload with the 3-D worlds, 5 joysticks, and 27 buttons. As far as current gaming systems go, so far I've played a little Rock Band, Wii Bowling, Castle Crashers (complete with poop squirting deer!), and Lego Star Wars. All fun. All easy. My next game to play is Viva PiƱata because its just so damn cute! I'm a total girl.

The Canadian $1 and $2 banknotes were withdrawn from circulation with the introduction of the $1 and $2 coins ($1 loonie and $2 toonie). How do you tip Canadian strippers?

I always wondered this. One might surmise that throwing coins at a stripper would be frowned upon. I mean, making it rain could end in bruises for the dancer and bruises for you courtesy of the bouncer. Maybe they walk around with tip jars or wear little coin purses, but I think the coin purses would get heavy and impede pole work, cool tricks, etc. Grabbing coins with teeth? I foresee a lot of chipped teeth and swallowed metals. Also, there seems to be something very unsexy about sliding a coin across the floor to a stripper (first the sound, then her desperately trying to pick up a piece of change that's flat against the floor with long acrylic nails). I have more questions than answers on this one.


So anyways, have a good weekend my pretties. I'm going to do some bowling (read: drink cheap pitchers of beer and embarrass myself) and check out the cherry blossoms in the big city (read: point and laugh at tourist, it's free!). And if you happen to be going to a strip club in Canada this weekend, report back.