Icons Lost.

Okay, so today I was going to write about how certain human behaviors bother me, but I. JUST. CAN'T.


I was definitely sad about Farrah Fawcett. We were all expecting it, but not so soon. Here's to a true angel (do you all realize she was only on Charlie's Angels for one year?). I loved her hair, I loved her poster, I loved her demeanor.

And then there's Michael Jackson.





MICHAEL JACKSON.

I still don't feel like it's real. I grew up with him. Every one of his songs, be it from the Jackson Five to now, I rocked out to them all. I just always loved him and everything he did (musically, he could do no wrong in my book).

It wasn't Halloween until I heard Thriller.

Almost every Friday while I was working I would listen to Off the Wall ("So tonight, gotta leave that 9 to 5 up on the shelf, and just enjoy yourself.....Groove! Let the madness in the music get to you! Life aint so bad at all.." Hello?! how is that not an after-work anthem?! That shit was my JAM!).

Every summer I had to listen to Remember the Time ("What about us, GIRL?!").

Almost every night I was about to go out on the town I listened to P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing)

The first time I got drunk I sang to I'll Be There (and then about an hour later I was puking up Bahamian coconut rum and apples and drunk dialing Metaltits...don't ask).

There are just so many memories I have wrapped around his music and you never realize it until something tragic like this happens.


The way he died was just so sudden and jarring. For many, it feels like it was just bad dream. We were all supposed to watch him grow old. All of us.

I am truly heartbroken.

ZOMG.

Yeah.


I'm back after another hiatus.


I led you all on with my whole "I'm back!" bullshit.


I'm pretty good at leading people on.


What?!


Am I gainfully employed?


Nope.


Am I on drugs?


Maybe.


Do I miss you all?


OF COURSE!


So I've been shooting the shit....getting call backs from people for fake interviews (i.e. they call/email you and never call/email you back.....I'm guessing I should've sent naked pictures....or conservative-mommy-edited this blog). To keep me busy, I've been cooking up a storm of food for loved ones, watching entirely too much Tyra (because I like to torture myself....keeps me young), cleaning random shit (dusting everything in my house, because, why not?), and just hanging out with my close friends (except you). In general, I've just been being myself, UNEMPLOYED and all.


Yes, I'm still that dirty, DIRTY description. Yeah, description, because if I could be paid for searching for jobs, I'd be a young-ish millionaire (pretty-please?!).


What theeeee HELL have you all been up to? Tell me here by comments, because I'm so scared to touch my "GReader".

(By the way, the kids are out of school in my county today. I plan of shaking my fist at them.....vigorously. I should be paid for that too....it's a workout.)

I'm Too Lazy.....

........to blog.

Or write.

Or type.

Or think.

Or feel.

Myself.

It's goddamned tiring sometimes. I've thought of about a thousand blog topics and forgot billions more and right about now I'm thinking about turning my blog into a full on Question and Answer Fridays. All posts. Every post. It's more fun to ask questions, but don't want to deprive you all of premium content. And also, I guess that would make me a low-rent, dirty, herpes infested, hooker version of Dan Mega.

And no one likes that.

Well, maybe if they're taking Valtrex....

But still.

She could be making bread if you know what I mean.

Like bagels.

Or biscuits.

Or loaves.

Or really yummy freanch baguettes.

Or focaccia. (sounds dirty, that's why I love that bread)

I have a lot of things to do now that I'm not working.....besides looking for jobs.

Like help my sister and BIL pack up and move.

And hang out with the BFFs.

And spend time with the gentleman.

And judge people.

And pick my butt.

And subject my readers (all four of them) to the GREATEST. SONG. EVER.

Trust me. (I've talked about it here before)

DIO - Rainbow In The Dark


I hope it's stuck in your head for the rest of the day/week/month.


You're welcome.

Question And Answer Fridays Y'all

It's that time again. Time for you all not to answer any of my questions. I go away for awhile and this is the welcome I get? No, that's alright. I see how it is. Okay, I think I need to adjust the meds (read: more vodka, less extras in that next cocktail). So you know how it goes. I want to know what you feel, think, know......so should you feel moved to do so, answer the questions below in my comment section, or you can just comment in general. Whatever's easiest for you. No, I'm not needy at all.

Now tell me I'm pretty.


Do you use GPS?

No, but I have been around several people that do. Metaltits is obsessed with it, using it even for places he knows how to get to. My sister has a Magellan and it has saved us many a times driving around DC and the dreaded traffic circles. The one thing that's off about it is giving the direction "Take a diagonal left turn". What the fuck? I understand a slight left/right turn, but diagonal? It just don't make no sense.

When it comes to fried chicken, are you partial to any brand/restaurant?

I do love that chicken from Popeyes, but my favorite fried chicken hands down has to be from Michie Tavern. It's colonial style and it is mind blowing. After reading about fried chicken yesterday, I called my sister to let her know we're going to Charlottesville, VA just so we can get some of that crackalicious chicken. We decided on mid-May and I'm hella excited (we're also going to get our history on and visit Monticello....I'm a sucker for touring historical sites). Seriously, if you happen to be visiting that area, make the stop.

What's your favorite drink?

There are so many to love! I have to say a classic mojito hits the spot during the summer. I also love dirty vodka martinis. But in general, I tend not to discriminate when it comes to booze.

Are you afraid of mice?

Not really. I think they're cute! Unless it somehow manages to poop in my mouth. Then I'll definitely run away screaming....to the bathroom.....to vomit.

I had an unfortunate incident of my dad trapping a a cute little field mouse (they have giant ears, awwwww!) with one of those "humane" sticky traps. You're supposed to be able to pull them right off. My dad had placed traps in various places and I was first greeted by a trap on the front porch with a very tiny bird stuck to it by both wings. Uggggggh. Then I walked in the house and I heard a scratching sound coming from where my dad placed a trap by the sliding glass door. Well low and behold, there was a poor little field mouse stuck to it...eyeball first. Ugggggggh to the tenth degree. So my dad just threw both of the poor animals in the trash can because he would have injured them by pulling them off. It was awful and he never used traps again. So anything with fur is cute to me. Including mice. And just an FYI, we live in a very woodsy area with a very high wildlife population (owls hang out on the deck at night, hawks dine there during the day, deer are in the back yard, chipmunks hide in the bushes, rabbits and birds make nests under the deck, snakes and other reptiles cool themselves under our stone steps, etc). Couple that with a 20 year old house, any animal that's determined enough can get in, especially during the winter. So in the end, after tons of searching and trial and error, my dad found the access point (underneath the stove!)and plugged it up with steel wool.

Have a good one y'all!

The Most Horrible Game Ever Played

During my blowout birthday cabin weekend (which I never posted a recap for, I think I was hungover for a week after that), we took it easy our last morning and lazed about in the upstairs living room. We spent a good part of our time playing What The F*ck: The Raunchy Version, courtesy of Metaltits, which is essentially a game made up of Would You Rather Wednesday questions. Once we made it through the booklet o' raunch, we wanted to find something else to play to pass the time. We rummaged through the games the rental company put in the house one last time to see if they had anything that wasn't too lame. They had a playboy game with no nudity (huh?), numerous puzzles, and the first version of Outburst from 1986.

We went with Outburst. Don't judge. Do y'all even remember Outburst?

It had cards like these:

And someone would be the reader and slip the card into one of these:

(we did the topic above and one of the answers was "The Truth"....yeah....)

Then the reader would read the topic aloud (that was a bit redundant) and everyone else would take turns guessing the 10 answers as the reader marked them off. To give you an idea of how antiquated this game was, one of the topics was: Buttons Found On A VCR. Of course we all missed calling out the cursed tracking button. Remember that shit?!

Anyways, there were two more memorable topics that come to mind from our foray into the genius of 80s game makers.

Topic One: Types Of Ethnic/Soul Food

Why, you wouldn't mean food that black people like to eat, right? We called out the ubiquitous answers any person would have guessed. Fried chicken. Collard greens. Corn bread. Pigs feet. Chitterlings (*shudder*). Ham hocks. Yams. Yes, all soul food (although technically it should be called southern food as it has been loved by all southerners, black and white, for centuries). But they had one answer we just couldn't get and would've never guessed.

Watermelon.

Since when has watermelon been considered soul food? Why not just call the topic " Unfounded Racial Stereotypes"? Loving watermelon is not exclusive to African-Americans or their slave ancestors. Besides, this watered-down African-American mutt would take honeydew melon over watermelon any day. But as far as my relationship with fried chicken is concerned? I have only five words for you: FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!

Topic Two: Forms Of Birth Control

This should be a pretty easy topic right? They had all the obvious ones: the pill, condoms, IUD, the rhythm method, pulling out, diaphragm, abstinence (boring!), the sponge, and masturbation (hahaha, wouldn't really call that birth control, but whatever). We were stumped for a good 3 to 5 minutes as to what the last answer was. The reader told us we would never be able to guess what it was and boy was she right. The last answer?

Homosexuality.

What the what?! Not once in my hetero sex-life have I thought, "I'm going to become a lesbian so I won't get pregnant." And I've never heard a guy say, "Dude, my girl is ovulating, so it looks like I'm going to have to go gay this week." Homosexuality is not an elective option! You're either born that way or not! And while say a homosexual cannot become pregnant by putting a penis in a vagina* (I just heard a collective "ewwww" from the gays) one could still become pregnant through artificial insemination, in-vitro fertilization, or from sitting on a toilet seat.

1986 Outburst? You get a big ole FAIL.

*lacochran brought to my attention the need to clarify that statement (thank you!): a homosexual can certainly have sex with a member of the opposite sex to procreate, but a lot of them chose to donate or use a donor rather than go hetero.

Highlights From Easter Weekend Craziness

Barf Kitteh
Friday and Saturday afternoon was pretty tame spending my time with the gentleman, his animals, and his roommates. Well, except for that part where I helped him clean up the cat's puke. And now I lovingly call Burt the cat Barf Kitteh or sometimes Sir Burtrum Von Barfsalot. I hope he learned his lesson not to eat random things off the carpet/balcony/floor, but some how I doubt that.

Losing My DC Connection
We moseued on into the city to watch the spectacular fireworks that closed the Cherry Blossom Festival from my sister's and BIL balcony. It made me all sad and depressed that they're moving because seriously, their apartment was PERFECT. If we could afford it, the gentleman and I totally would've taken it off their hands.

You People Are Sick
The following conversation transpired after viewing the fireworks:

Me: So daddy had my tuna....

Sister, BIL, and gentleman all look at each other and laugh.

Sister: What did you say?! You might want to rephrase that.

Me: You all are sick. Daddy was trying to recreate my tuna fish salad recipe...

Sister: That sounds better.

Me: Well, he put too much cayenne pepper in it...I don't know if I should even finish the story because what just happened was way funnier than the story.

Sister: Yeah we kind of moved away from the poop stories we were telling, but just go ahead.

Me: So anyways, [gentleman] you know what my tuna taste like right?

Everyone is in hysterics.

Gentleman (laughing): No comment.

Me: I mean I made it for you before! Gah!!! I'm just going to stop talking.


Would Have Rather Wrestled Gators
I had to wake up at 5:30 am on Sunday to get ready for church. Trust me, the last thing you want to do that early in the morning is wrestle with some Spanx. I was hating life at that point.

Zombie Jesus?
Church was just as uncomfortable as I expected it to be. I'm not an atheist, but I'm not religious and I have a serious problem with organized religion. Perfect example? When we were doing the morning greeting we were TOLD to greet everyone with "He has risen" and the other person was to respond "He has risen indeed". Oh hell no I aint saying that shit and even my sister (who is religious) felt uncomfortable saying it. Not only that, we got strange looks when we said "Good Morning" instead. Uggggh. A person shouldn't feel forced and uncomfortable, they should feel welcomed and relaxed, its just common courtesy people! Even though I only go to church like three times out of the year, it gets more and more difficult each time I go. SO, in an effort to make myself more comfortable, I thought about sex. I figured it was okay especially after the chaplain was talking about zombies, and death, and decomposing bodies for almost 30 minutes on a day that's supposedly supposed to be a celebration. But whatever.

Healthiest Fast Food
McDonald's Fruit and Walnut Salad? Surprisingly delicious!

Easter Dinner Awesomeness
Sadly, I don't have any pictures of the feast, but Easter dinner was fantastic. There was spinach salad with strawberries, almonds, and homemade dressing. For the main meal we had honey baked ham (I tried to get all the crunchiest pieces), Cornish game hens cover in garlic butter and tarragon, roasted asparagus, macaroni and cheese, and sweet german wheat dinner rolls with real butter.

Easter Dessert? Fail.
We were so excited for the apple pie my mom got from the bakery. My mom cut the first slice and noticed something green under the crust. Thinking it was spinach or some veggie that strangely managed to get itself into the pie, she lifted the crust off to investigate further. To our horror, it was growing a plethora of mold on the pie filling. After a good 10 minutes of telling my mom to take the pie back, my dad asked what the sell by date was. SELL BY APRIL 7, 2009.

Golf = Boring
After filling our guts, my dad insisted on watching golf after dinner. He always argues that golf is not boring, and yet he fell asleep several time while "watching" Tiger Woods suck, thus proving our point.

Question And Answer Fridays

I think you all should know how this works by now, although some of you might be delirious from fasting for a certain religious holiday, so I'll repeat myself again. Should you feel moved by jesus or hunger or because its b'shert, answer the questions below in the comment section so I'll have someone to talk about over the weekend.

Are you celebrating any religious holiday (against your will or willfully) currently or over the weekend?

Yes. I am only obligated to drag my tired hungover ass out of bed to attend church services (read: sit in a pew and think about sex) on Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day. I'm hoping to get a delicious brunch for free out of appreciation of my effort. Thankfully, its on a military base, so the service is only allowed to be one hour long. I'm not sure what happens if you go over, but I imagine that the MPs will walk in with guns drawn so the Catholics waiting to get inside can throw communion wafers (yum!) at the Protestants who took too long preaching their unholy message. Boy, that would be exciting!


How do you feel about Peeps?

You know, those marshmallow birds covered in tooth rotting sugar? I couldn't get enough of those when I was younger, those and Cadbury eggs. I guess that explains my two fillings.


Are you a fan of Nikes? If not, what your brand are you partial to for working out?

I am a complete Nike convert when it comes to sneakers to run/workout in. I used to have Adiddas that got worn out within a couple of weeks, and some old New Balance from high school that I bought to be cool (umm, gym wasn't for working out then!) which I started wearing again and they bruised my big toenails. I thought for a second I had some flesh eating bacteria from getting a pedicure or cancer. But, upon my research (the internet makes everyone a genius), I realized I just had some ill-fitting sneakers that were making my toes all black and blue. So I got some Nike Shox and I am in love. I want to wear them all the time, even to bed, that's how damn comfy they are.

...................

So have a good one y'all! I'm going to be taking it easy this weekend and watching the fireworks at the cherry blossoms Saturday night, and dragging my ass to church at 8:00 am on Sunday. Yay. Accept not.

Conversations With My Sister

Considering the nations current economic situation, this brief conversation my sister and I had a month or so ago was quite appropriate. My sister was nearing the end of her second trimester, and this is usually the time when you realize you need to get your ass in gear so that you aren't left trying to figure out a way to add on an additional room to your apartment made entirely of cardboard.

Sister: So I was talking to mommy about child care and all that. I just never realized how expensive it was, but it is such a necessary evil for working mothers.

Me: Yeah I know. I remember talking to co-workers about it. It's hella expensive.

Sister: So I'm thinking I could save a little bit of money by doing in-home care.

Me: Yeah, thats what mommy did and we didn't end up abused and always came back with our limbs attached. You just gotta do your research.

Sister: That's true. And then I'm just thinking about paying for a new place. Clothing. Food. Hopefully I can don't have any problems breastfeeding and won't have to contemplate stealing formula.....ugggh! its just all these things that cost money that I have to take care of fairly soon....

Me: I know, but don't freak yourself out about it. It is what it is, you're just going to have to do it.

Sister (sighing): Can't I just put the baby on lay-away?

Me: Wouldn't that be convenient though?!

Question And Answer Fridays Ya'll!

Entertain me. Answer my questions in the comments section people. I want to know more about ya'll so should we meet in the future, I can make our encounter as awkward as possible based on your answers (here's a refresher on how this works).

Have you ever had a filet-o-fish from McDonalds? If so, what did you think?

Okay, so sue me. I gave into the advertising and had my first filet-o-fish. Logic should tell a person that cheap wine and seafood from a fast food restaurant probably isn't the best combination, but I was feeling adventurous (i.e., my judgement was impaired). The verdict? It was okay. It was satisfying because I was no longer hungry, it's one of the lower calorie sandwiches on the menu, and I didn't cry myself to sleep after eating it.

Do you believe in psychics, tarot, etc?

I'm kind of on the fence about this one. There's a lot of cons out there. I mean, when is a psychic going to tell me the truth about my life? I know I'm meant to be a trillionaire with the worlds first miniature whale. Damn, why can't you people let me be great?!

Do you or have you ever heated up an seafood item in the microwave?

If you have, there is a special place in hell for you.

Do you play video games? What is your skill level?

Skill? Bawhahahahaaaa! I only really played the first Nintendo and I even suck at that. When it comes to playing the video games of today, I feel like an drunk 85 year-old woman who grew up watching some of the first "talkies". It's like sensory overload with the 3-D worlds, 5 joysticks, and 27 buttons. As far as current gaming systems go, so far I've played a little Rock Band, Wii Bowling, Castle Crashers (complete with poop squirting deer!), and Lego Star Wars. All fun. All easy. My next game to play is Viva Piñata because its just so damn cute! I'm a total girl.

The Canadian $1 and $2 banknotes were withdrawn from circulation with the introduction of the $1 and $2 coins ($1 loonie and $2 toonie). How do you tip Canadian strippers?

I always wondered this. One might surmise that throwing coins at a stripper would be frowned upon. I mean, making it rain could end in bruises for the dancer and bruises for you courtesy of the bouncer. Maybe they walk around with tip jars or wear little coin purses, but I think the coin purses would get heavy and impede pole work, cool tricks, etc. Grabbing coins with teeth? I foresee a lot of chipped teeth and swallowed metals. Also, there seems to be something very unsexy about sliding a coin across the floor to a stripper (first the sound, then her desperately trying to pick up a piece of change that's flat against the floor with long acrylic nails). I have more questions than answers on this one.

.................................

So anyways, have a good weekend my pretties. I'm going to do some bowling (read: drink cheap pitchers of beer and embarrass myself) and check out the cherry blossoms in the big city (read: point and laugh at tourist, it's free!). And if you happen to be going to a strip club in Canada this weekend, report back.

I'm Back Bitches

I kind of disappeared from the interwebs. Blogs. Twitter. Chat. EVEN FACEBOOK. I know riiiiiight?! The thing is, this whole unemployment thing got me into a major rut during the past month. And with no money to buy booze and pills, I did the next best thing and went into hiding, did a little meth, fed on squirrels, stopped bathing and gained about 10 pounds. Okay only two out of five of those things are true. I'll let you guess which ones.

I'm finally out of my funk thanks to the help of my family, friends, the gentleman, and a near death experience (oh joy...more on that later). Is my being out of my funk going to get me employed any faster? No, but I'm learning ways to keep structure in my life because I seem to flounder without it.

Get ready to read posts on crap you don't care about and lame comments on your blog from dmb5_libra. You know you're excited....and besides I'll be adding that all important structure to my life. That's right. It's all about me.

Don't get it twisted.

I Want To Know More About Ya'll!

Ordinarily on Fridays, I would blog about my awesome weekend plans. However, being unemployed does not lend itself well to going out into the city to buy several $10 drinks or going on trips or shopping or concerts. So instead I decided to ask you all some questions so I can learn some more about my 2.741 readers....okay really, its for my entertainment while I'm holed up in my house in my pajamas hoarding my money. I took the liberty of answering the questions myself, you know, to break the ice and make you feel more comfortable about revealing your peanut butter preference and such. Don't be shy now ya'll! Answer me some questions! Yeah, you read that right.


Do you prefer to have a TV in or outside of the bedroom?

I'm all about a television in the bedroom. I like to torture the Gentleman by waking him up with the sweet sounds of people whining on some reality show. It really is an awesome way to wake up. I love to have the option of watching a movie in bed too, especially when I'm sick or have something or someone to cuddle with.


Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?

I'm a smooth peanut butter girl. I'm convinced people that like crunchy peanut butter are disturbed.


Do you believe in ghost?

If I say no, they'll surely come out to get me!!! Seriously, I totally believe. I'm a big old scaredy cat and I'm not ashamed to admit it. This is why I hate staying alone in the house I've lived in for 20+ years. Why find out my irrational fears are completely true while I'm alone? If the movies have taught me anything at all, I will be running out of the house away from the creepy noise, not upstairs to see what that is. Also, you could not pay me to see this movie.


How did you feel about that cartoon in the New York Post?

While it might not have been purposely racist, I though it was definitely in poor taste.


Have you ever cross-stitched? If not, do you have a favorite craft, such as metal arts (also known as beer can pyramid construction)?

I fucking love cross-stitching. I know it seems like such a cat-lady craft, but its super fun and extremely easy (I learned when I was 7), and you can get some kickass (!) patterns from subversivecrosstitch.



I look forward reading your comments in my pjs! Have a good one ya'll! And don't forget to enter my contest/giveaway! I'm going to close it at the end of the month.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears? Plus A Giveaway!

Family-Guy-Lindsay-Lohan-grinds-my-gears - Hosted by Putfile.com

1. The Simpsons. It's just not that funny anymore. Like at all.


2. Accidentally hitting "Publish Post" before I actually finish said post. Like I did just now. So everyone will see it in their google reader even though I deleted it. Awesome.


3. People that don't say "Please", "Thank you", and "You're Welcome". I was raised to have manners and the words/phrases just ooze charm and sophistication. For instance, try some of these out:

"Could you just give them a tug please?"

"Please don't invite your mother-in-law over for Christmas."

"Would you please stop being so crazy?"

"Please learn some fucking manners you trashy hooker!"

"Thank you for acknowledging where I wanted you to put it."

"Thank you for that free drink, but I'm not going home with you"

"Thank you for hiding all the sex toys before my Grandma came to see the new place."

"Thank you for being the sarcastic, emotionally-dead, asshole that you are."

"You're welcome. Those hybrid crabs I gave you took years of selective mating with other super crab carriers."

"You're welcome to help yourself to all the booze in my house."


4. Oysters on a half shell. I just don't understand the point of eating them. You don't chew them. You don't roll them around in your mouth (insert joke here). You just let them slide down your throat like a shot. Why am I going to pay some exorbitant price to swallow a raw oyster covered with lemon juice, horseradish, and cocktail sauce? Eliminate the pointless oyster and I could swallow all that stuff in my house right now for FREE. And even still, if you fry an oyster, they still maintain their gross, snot like texture.


5. Children in my cul-de-sac and their stay at home moms that drink all day. They let their toddlers run all up and down the street, but then they call themselves supervising because they're outside! I'm sure this is what they tell all their friends, and the cops, and the lawyer, when in reality this is what I see on a daily basis: Moms sitting in their lawn chairs with their backs turned (!) away from their kids sipping on their alcoholic beverage of choice all day. Meanwhile little Johnny has meandered away from them and is half way up the hill in the middle of the street as a car is about to crest the hill not knowing a small child will be standing there. GAH! IT KILLS ME. Watch your damn kids, mmmmmmm kay?! Also, keep your kids off the lawn. I know my dad seems like the cantankerous old man of the cul-de-sac, but it is his property. More importantly, he's telling your kids to stay off the damn lawn because he puts chemicals on the grass that can be harmful to young children. He's not just trying to be mean you dumb bitches, so don't blame us when your kid sprouts a third arm.


Since my post seems to be getting longer and angrier I'm going to try to relax by thinking back to the awesome BOCA hosted DC Blogger Meet Up I went to last Thursday. There was awesome food and drinks, free mani/pedis and mini-massages. I met some awesome bloggers (such as Wearing Mascara, LiLu, and Jessica), hung out with my normal cohorts, and tried not to flip my shit when I met Sundry Mourning (who within our first 10 minutes of conversation dropped the f-bomb, which is why I love her.) Also, I'm a swag slut, so imagine my surprise when I got two swag bags, one for myself of course (I mean I made the effort by showing up and drinking free booze and getting a free manicure, jeeze....) and one for a lucky reader. What does this bag contain? A yoga mat, a reusable shopping tote, one of those zen/relaxation CDs and day planner. And I might even throw in an extra surprise item based on who wins!

If you want to play, just include how you like to relax in your comment and hopefully I'll get around to picking a winner and sending them their prize since I left the swag in the Gentleman's car. Hey, hey! I'm very busy being unemployed, alright?!

A Lovely (And Somewhat Crappy/Early) Valentine

Dear Readers,

Remember how I bitched about trying to find someone and being all hot and dudes should be crawling all over me? Well, I didn't use the at-a-bar-go-to-his-place-drunken-sloppy-not-call-you-the-next-day-sex-walk-of-shame method to meet a guy. I went the more legitimate way and found someone online! Yeah, I know. Go ahead and judge me. I am still seeing this same Gentleman since I have mentioned him on this here little blog, and he's still equally as awesome. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the ball (or crabs, you know...whatever!) to drop, but it hasn't yet. So yay!

I've been through it all....guys that were self involved, guys that were pre-occupied with money/material items (and that's all), guys obsessed with the desire to smack a bitch up, guys obsessed with odd fetishes.....in general, the most sane person I've met is the Gentleman online. Weird. Maybe I should knock on some wood when I say that. He could be making a creepy doll out of hair I've left behind as I type this.......I'm totally joking (and I know he's reading this).

Let me get to the sweet stuff. The uuushy gooshy. He makes me happy. He makes me smile. We're both going through some rough times right now (me: unemployment, and him going through some other things...) but we're still able to laugh and genuinely help each other through the rough patches that life has unfortunately thrown at us at this point in time. It's amazing to me to have someone in my life that's so supportive, when guys I've dated for 4+ years weren't nearly as supportive of my life. It's refreshing to know that a person can think of someone other than themselves or money/material items. Time for more comparing....just joking!

Let me list some reasons why I love (yes, LOVE) this guy, the Gentleman.....

1. He's an artist! (I think it's an obsession and requirement that you must be artistically inclined to date me)

2. He's an animal lover (two well behaved pets....hello? kids?! I'm totally kidding, I would murder children at this point in my life)

3. He's truly understanding (and I said that before in the past, but he is truly understanding of ALL things)

4. He likes to bake. (Ummmmm, hello?!!!! He's making funfetti cupcakes as I'm typing this!)

5. He motivates me to become a better person (this should be a necessity in every relationship)

6. He respects and actually loves the fact that my family is so traditional (this has been a killer to every relationship I've had)

7. He likes my friends and wants to have them over (nuff said there)

8. Did I mention he likes to bake, my friends?

9. He doesn't judge. Like at all. Yay! (maybe it has something to do with the fact that he's a Buddhist, but I've met other Buddhist before and they weren't nearly as awesome as he is)

10. He gives me a hard time (it takes a lot for a person to match and put up with my bullshit/horrible jokes, and he can respond with a joke that's ten times meaner, which in retrospect helps me with my material).

11. He loves comedy (nine times out of ten, I want to see a comedy, not some damn romantic comedy, yuck!)

12. He loves to play games. Not the "play games" kind of shit, but like Scrabble and games that make you think.

13. Speaking of games, he bought me Candyland when he went out to the grocery store because I mentioned how much I loved that game as a child.

14. Um, hello people(s)?! He let me cut off his long luscious hair because I wanted to have fun. Who does that? (and don't comment "a guy that wants some pussy")

15. He stares at me (and not in a creepy let-me-make-that-second-doll-out-of-your-hair kind of way) to tell me that I'm beautiful. And when I comment that my face is greasy or something or another, he tells me he loves me like that.

16. Oh yeah, number sixteen! He loves me just the way I am. Flaws and all.

17. HE LOVES ZOMBIES JUST LIKE I DO.

Needless to say, he's pretty awesome and I think he thinks I'm pretty awesome too (again don't say its because he wants some pussy!). Happy Valentine's Day mah boo! And Happy Valentine's Day to my (few) readers too! May you spend the day with someone (or something, such as booze or drugs) that you love!

Love,

DMB Does Not Stand For Dave Matthews Band.

Conversations With My Sister

Aren't we cute?! This is when I had just been born. My sister was looking at me like "I keeeel youuu!" Akmed-the-Dead-Terrorist-Style.



So ANY. WAYS. This was a totally patriotic conversation we had during Inauguration Day....

Sister: I can't imagine having the baby (she's four months pregnant now)

Me: What are you going to do with the placenta?

Sister: Huh?

Me: Well you know, people eat the placenta.

Sister: Well yeah, I've heard of that.....they say there's a lot of nutrients in the placenta and all that.

Me: How do you cook that?

Sister (convulsing): I have no idea.

Me: I just can't believe people do that in the US.

Sister: Its probably like liver with all the awesome vitamins and stuff in there.

Me: But how do you cook it? Do you grill it? Like grilled placenta?

Sister: I don't know.

Me: If you cook it, will it firm up, or is it going to be like an oyster where it never gets quite firm?

Sister: I'm not sure, but I'm sure you can look up some recipes!

Me: Uggggghhhhhhhhhhh.


Aaaaaaaand scene. Go Obama!!!!

Interior Designer, I Am Not....

Picture from Modern Mechanix

I worry. I worry that when I get my own place, I will give into my inner "maleness" and have a beer can Christmas tree or something of the sort.

Don't get me wrong, I like nice things, and smart design really gets me off, but I am totally incapable of doing such a thing, and I don't think it's a necessity either. I won't turn my nose up if someone has not used Ralph Lauren paint and their place doesn't look like it belongs in a magazine.

I actually prefer a place that looks lived in, warm, and comfy because that's the way I was raised. My parents were very much into the contemporary look in the 60s and 70s. Then they had kids and that all got shot to shit. Way to go me and big sis! The furniture in our house doesn't quite go together. Our kitchen has wallpaper with hearts on it. 80% of the furniture on the first level of the house is antique, to include the kitchen table and the hutch the flat screen TV rests on. I love it.

This makes me think about how my ex's mom didn't like me, and she made some kind of backhanded comment about how: "I know we don't live in a big fancy house like you do..." and I got pissed off. All she knew was that my dad was the VP of a multi-million dollar company (at the time) and he drove a Benz and based off of that she assumed that we were fancy snobs that shat on gold toilets and had maids wiping our asses along with doing all our housework. I told Deutlich about this and we both had a good laugh because fancy my house is not. Also, my dad worked very hard to buy the Benz and a modest house in a neighborhood with a homeowners association. God forbid he has something nice for himself and his family after 20+ years of hard work. That's when I knew I couldn't stand his mother. She was one of those types that claimed to be "down-to-earth" or whatever the fuck that means, but would always judge the shit out of you.

But I digress.....

My family's house really has no true interior design to it and I'm okay with this. You would think with the opportunity to design my own room I would have done something with it right? Right? Well, I didn't. I still have the same old ass 80s Ikea furniture in my room, and its white. I have never framed a poster in my life. As you can see from my vlog, they're all held up by push pins. At one point in fifth/sixth grade, I was obsessed with wolves. I had a poster of a black wolf with green eyes in a forest above my bed and based off of the poster, I wanted to paint my tiny room hunter green. Yeah, I can see you all cringing. At another point I was using an old Corona box as a magazine rack, and I thought it was cool! More cringing. After I discover Mod Podge in college, I used that shit on tables and other cheap accessories in my room because I was "artsy". Now the shit is in the basement. I also like to use my laundry basket not for laundry, but as an extra drawer or place to store cloths. All these things coupled together results in me feeling incapable of creating an indoor environment that I love.

I adore Pottery Barn and Ethan Allen and all the pretty bedding and chandeliers from Anthropologie and the simplicity and earthiness of the home furnishings from the Sundance Catalog. However, I could never pull off any of those looks on my own. Also, the only way I can afford any of that shit is if someone else buys it for me. Some people have the decorating gene and it's just effortless for them to pull off a really beautiful space (I'm looking at you Deutlich), but I am not one of those people. I have to really think hard about it and then it hurts my brain and I reconsider the whole decorating thing and convince myself everything is fine the way it is and then I pat myself on the back and drink a beer.

So when I get my own place, someone help me. Help me first by smacking me and burning the old Ikea furntiure I will no doubt be trying to move into my new place. Remind me that beer is for drinking, not decorating. Keep me away from hideous wall colors. And for the love of all that is holy, remind me that I'm a girl.